A little bit of catch-up

January 03, 2007, 00:32

Well, I've had quite a year. I guess the biggest difference is the jump from the last message to where I am at now. I have been unhappy in my relationship for a while I guess. I tried to tell myself that things were ok, but looking back on the things that happened during it...I've come to realize that they were far from it. Everytime I get sad about the break-up between Damien and myself, I just think about the following events:

I remember one insident where I spilt some orange soda on the carpet by accident and he fliped out on me. He'd go into the kitchen and take shots because he said that he had to in order to deal with the situation (A PROBLEM in itself). Then in 10 minutes of time he smashed a shot glass, ripped the VCR cord out of the entertainment center, ripped the screen door off of its hinges and bent the door, threw it into the appartment (very near me I might add), then turned around and smashed a standing light to the floor. I stayed quiet and picked up all the glass in the kitchen and went into the bedroom so that he wouldn't see me cry. I was upset from all the violence. Then, he came into the bedroom and yelled at me for crying because I was selfish to cry. He was the one upset and I had no right to cry. He said I was very self-centered.

Once I got the nerve to leave the appartment and go for a walk so that I had time to cry and calm down on my own. I had beat him in a video game pretty bad and he trew the remote across the room and smashed it. He turned on me and told me that I was being a horrible person because I had 'run the score up on him'. I didn't think I was doing that, I was just trying my hardest to win. I told him I was sorry for making him upset, but he said he had found a new type of shallow in me because I didn't aplogise for 'running up the score'. I didn't think I was so I wasn't going to aplogise for something I didn't do. He said that it was shallow because the person who is offened should be apologised to just because they were hurt. I refuse to apologise for something I don't feel. It makes and apology mean nothing if you just do it because someone wants to hear one. I apologise when I really mean it. He got mad and yelled at me, so I walk out of the apartment to cool down and think.

When I came back, all the lights were off in the apartment and he was sitting in the dark with a candle lit infront of him. He had smashed my musical instrument and smashed the picture of me. I did say I was sorry that he was upset, but not that I had run up the score and he said that made me a bad person.

I really think he's a wonderful caring person, but just a horrible boyfriend in that all he sees is the things he does and he never notices when someone does them back. I devoted most of my time to him and then he'd turn around and tell me I wasn't. I'd try to buy him things..on my limited college funds and he wouldn't think it was a big deal when it takes a week for me to earn 60 dollars. I spent hours giving him company and only minutes on my school work. What hurts the most is that he never saw how hard I tried to please him...instead he thinks I had an attitude and was ungrateful.

Sometimes I think it was a little of the age difference..the age wasn't a problem it was where we were in life. The first year of our relationship was great because we were both in school. Once he entered the work force and I was still in school we started having problems. He felt like the time he was away was time for school work and friends, but once he got back I should devote all my time to him and forget about friends and school. Life doens't work that way and he couldn't understand and was jealous of my friends accused me of not wanting to see him.

He kept telling me that he had done all of the sacraficing in the relationship and that was a farce. I would reschedual work and duties to drive to his apartment so I could help him clean and make dinner for him, I'd go to bed later so we could watch his shows then get up at 0430 in the morning to drive back to school...and I never once complained and I did this daily. I became so stressed out that my grades were slipping that finally in the spring I wanted ASKED him if I could spend more time at school so I could study.

He said yes but complained about it in little ways if not out right....kind of like how his mother would insinuate things. For my 21st birthday all I recieved was a dozen flowers...for V-day just a dozen flowers...now he made waaay more money than me and I still spent 500 dollars on his b-day...I had to save for 12 weeks for that.

Our one year anaversary I spent 150 dollars on him and he didn't even give me a card. Now I'm not about receiving things, I just want to have some thought put into me. If he had made me a card with crayons I would have liked that better than even the flowers but it just seemed like he forgot about me.

When he went on the ship and called me he was a totally different person than when he was home. This summer I wanted to spend my last summer on the cape with him and my friends. I lost most of my friends because I spent so much time with him and I wanted to get some of them back. I asked him if I could have 2 nights a week were I stayed on campus and he said ok, but complained the whole time and said that I was choosing my friends over him.

In the month of Novemeber, my grandmother died, my mother was diagosed with cancer, I had to fly to 2 job interviews, and I had to study for Finals, CEs, and had weekend watch. He wanted his bored games back but I couldn't get to my cousins to get them but I had called my cousin to ask if he's mail them and I'd pay posatge and he said ok since I was swamped. I told Damien he could get his fridg. that week..prob. tuesday,but I wasn't sure I'd have to wait until Monday evening to tell him for sure. Then he calls me up and acusess me of never wanting to return his stuff and that I had a poor attitude and I was a bitch..when I was trying to get everything done...it's just...with all that was going on.....it was tough.

He left me a nasty voice message and email. Then tried apologising for them. I was more distant to him because i was hurt and he took that as me being a bitch. So I'm really hurt and bitter about the whole thing. I've never yelled at him or been mean. I've been nothing but calm and understanding. He just really hurt me and I'm trying to move on, but his words still cut me deeply.

So here I am now.....what think you world?!?!?!